Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
