why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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