Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
