Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
