Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
