It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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