I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Pooping to opera.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
