I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
How external is "for external use only"?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
