Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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