someone threw a dead crab at me
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
