i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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