Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
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