I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
