I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
