I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Randomize
