i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
