we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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