I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
being pregnant is like rehab
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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