My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
