the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
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