I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
