If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
