I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
