Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
