Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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