you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
