About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
