can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
