my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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