it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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