wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
