i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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