Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
