accomplished twins. life is a go
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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