mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
the night ended with taco bell and tears
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
