I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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