I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
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