You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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