Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
