she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
The dick lei will go down in squad history
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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