I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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