I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
