I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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