I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
