A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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