Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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