The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
