how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
