do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
