i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
